I am trying really hard to stay calm. Something chaotic and awful happened this week and I can't tell you the details. All I can say is that is scared me and made me think. Sometimes you can try and try with all of your might and still it does not work out. Then, you have to be an adult and realize that you can't continue down this path. You can't maintain it since it's costing you more mentally than it's worth.
I apologize for sounding cryptic, but what I am talking about is something in my pre-mommy life. Before my son was here, I lived my non-work life a specific way. I was social, always going somewhere, taking a class, trying out a new restaurant, etc. Now that I am a parent, everything is different. I am less social and social with different people including other parents. My time after work is spend closer to home. Instead of dance classes and new restaurants, my social calendar consists of dinner with my son, bath time and reading picture books in bed.
I am not complaining at all, it's the life I want. It's a great life, but I was trying to hold on to a pre-mommy activity in my life and trying to make it work. This week, it all came tumbling down. I cried. I fumed. I cried again. I went to bed angry. I pouted. I cried even more. Giving up one of the final pre-mommy actvities in my life makes me feel guilty and a bit like a failure. I don't want to do it, but no matter what solution I consider, it does not work out in my head.
It's time for me to change my perspective. Instead of whining about the loss of that life, I need to consider new adventures that my new life can bring. When one door closes, another one opens and makes you think of things in a different way. Pre-Mommy Me is no more, I don't want her back. It's time to move forward.