Once upon a time, a girl wrote a blog to give herself peace. Her loved ones were worried about her during the long road of fertility and adoption and kept asking questions. The questions came from a loving place, but answering them over and over again wore her down. So she created a blog, a clear way to share what was happening in her life - the good, the bad, the ugly. It worked. She stayed sane, her son entered her life and things took their place in the world.
The blog became ignored sometimes once the boy arrived. Posts were less frequent and shorter. The girl was tired, but happy.
As a single parent, the girl was being asked lots of questions of people around her who were considering her path to mommyhood. These questions delighted the girl and she wanted to help others not feel so alone. So, the blog was reborn.
The past was not lost though. Nope. Her fertility and adoption journey lives safely in her blog archives for anyone to explore and read. (Look for July 2014 in the archives.) Now she posts about being a single parenthood in a transracial family. Life is good, it's a bit of a swirl at times but ah, so very, very good.
Welcome BACK to Mommy Shark. Just like sharks, you can never, never stop swimming. The job of mom has no off time. Buckle up. Deep breath. Booyah.
I found myself in my late thirties unmarried and no one’s mother. Being unmarried was a bit shocking but being childless was heart wrenching. I yearned with every fiber of my being to experience motherhood. I wanted to feel that little life grow inside me, push it out and then go through life being a fantastic mother.
No one dreams that they will be incapable of experiencing pregnancy. That stuff happens to other people, but yes, it happened to me. Of course, I always tried to keep this lack of ability into perspective. I am healthy, free to chronic illness with a body that will let me dance, run and jump as I please. How could I be so down about failing at this one little thing? When the heart wants what it wants, it’s hard to face the reality that you can’t do this.
Without a spouse, I realized that I had to do this medically in my doctor’s office with purchased sperm and more fertility drugs that I ever wanted to endure. Here is my experience from beginning to end in a nice, tidy bulleted list.
Being a single mother is wonderful, exhausting, scary, fantastic, worrisome, heartbreaking, and the best job that I can never quit. Some of my non-parent friends ask me if all that work was worth it and of course, I say yes, but I do know why they are asking. When you see me, you can’t help but notice that I am exhausted most of the time. I have lost many of my freedoms and finances, but they are not here at my house for the cuddles and kisses. To the outside world, you see how sleepy I am, how much of my old life has gone on hold and how little money I have left once everyone gets paid. It's worth it, but it's not for everyone.
That's why I had to write this blog. If you are daydreaming about becoming a parent and you are not in a relationship, you may be tempted to follow me down this path. I did not write this blog to cheer you on. I am writing this blog to give you an informed look at what you are about to experience. It's not pretty, but it's still wonderful.
Revisiting these moments can be painful. Trying to become a mother for so long zapped some of my goodness. Since my son was arrived, I wanted to rekindle my inner kindness and put these bad memories away. So, I walked away this from ambitious endeavor.
A mighty strong anchor always brought me back to writing this down and revisiting my journal. Reading my stories and reviewing my blog entries gave me a sense of closure. As I recounted my experiences, I could feel past chapters ending. I needed in some strange way to say goodbye to the most difficult yet rewarding years of my life.
Being infertile was the best thing that ever happened to me. It taught me that sometimes things just don’t work out in life like you want them. No matter how much positive thought, prayer, or meditation you throw at it, things don’t work out. I learned a valuable lesson that only tragedy can teach you, that I am strong and capable to withstand anything.
Going this road alone is a lonely one. Yes, I had a fantastic support system around me, but only I knew what was in my heart with all of those failures. Whenever I was lucky enough to encounter another person going through the same medical experiences I was having, I clung to them like a rock on the ocean.
I am writing this blog to give me closure on this time in my life but also to give another single parent like myself another story to cling to and hear. You are not alone. What your heart yearns for makes complete sense to me. Your journey will be difficult, but you will discover an inner strength that you never knew you had.
If you are reading this now about to start a fertility, adoption or single parenthood journey, this blog is my account of my similar life events. I am not an expert at anything. What I say is not the gospel, it’s just my truth. Feel free to chuckle at my nonsense. Always, always follow your gut.
If you are reading this out of curiosity or because you know someone about to embark on this journey, remember that sometimes the best thing to say when someone is down is nothing at all.